Bil hikma.

Soo many things bothers me but the happiness I am feeling with the wisdom of ALLAH is the feeling I can’t express to anyone. MASHAALLAH. You din’t need anyone but ALLAH.

Tomorrow, in shaa ALLAH. ❤

My muffle time.

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It is 9.45am and I didn’t report to our office. I chose to seat here and there around this ice cream embassy. Reasons behind why and I just don’t want to bring it on here. Dad don’t have idea where I am now, and still thinking if I should inform him when I arrived that I didn’t report today. My boss saw me and I don’t even care about it. Let the noisy little procession be with my mates. The boss with her “boses” (voice).

It is beacuse of my principle I am holding on “Don’t trouble people”, That feels me to keep my silence now and just be in the place where I used to eat ice cream alone and talk to the air.
I enjoy peering through the large window,feeling the wind blow on my face and watching all those birds with their freedom wings. But In between the laughing and gulping, I couldn’t help but think about how much I had changed. How I was still the same person but in some aspects how I wasn’t the same anymore. ~_~ Alhamdulillah. Just when it seems that you are only an inch away from the ultimate burnout.

I miss homies and friends back home so badly. *Sigh*. I know the last time I was there was last December, but it seemed much longer than that, knowing my life had changed dramatically since then. I feel so trapped because my only option is to believe the greatest cliche of all: That everything happens for a reason. Still, I needed to be superb. Advising my dearest me again and again that I should live my life one day at a time, with so many things to look forward. Things will start getting better in shaa ALLAH. If you would ask me if I would go through all the pain I am going through, I will answer you –Fa inna ma’al usriy yusra. ❤

I am strong with ALLAH in my heart.

my daughter, you are strong with ALLAH <3

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Those papers was my dad’s errands for me to accomplished. Some du’as and reminders needed to be photocopy.

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah 😂
While I was homeward from Marbel Office. I feel so weary to the extend that I planned to share it to bbjan. Like a young kid who will brag everything to her dad and just wanted to be heared,that’s all. But mashaaALLAH, after I kiss him when I arrived and handed to him those papers, he gave me a smile. a smile from my dad is soo mashaaALLAH. Everything just wash by his very warmest smile, as if he was saying that “my daughter, you are strong with ALLAH” mashaaALLAH. Jazakallahu khayran dearest Babajan, for you I learned brilliant defense technique when I am disdaining my self and feeling of giving up. Like a dudging and hiding behind a very powerful and strong wall that makes me invisible on how dunya wanted me to think that I am near to threshold, wall = patience. I came up to the realizations that whatever the things that keeps me busy day to day, I should always remind myself that I need ALLAH’s mercy and guidance in order for me to be a good instrument in His Deen while living in this fleeting Dunya. In shaa ALLAH.

I pray my maghrib salaat with a very calm heart praying to ALLAH that me and my family will be among those servants who will be in His Arsh. Ameen Ya Rabb. Indeed, Ya ALLAH true happines is in Your Jannah. You’ve been a mom in a very unique way, dad. Alhamdulillah.

As you always remind me, We will never be successful without the mercy and help of ALLAH, that is Taqwa. Alhamdulillah I’m viewing things from another perspective.

Rabbighfirliy wali waalidayni Ya ALLAH. Ameen Ya Rabb. Ameen.

Deen Journey

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“The more the merrier”, it is true, but I really fancied setting foot on some place new with no one for company.

A thought of escapism always feels me desperate to run away. *sigh* I had to junk some planned of solo adventure even it is long awaited. I did not push through because of my new assign tasks at office base. Though my savings is recovering, but then I knew there will come a time I should empty it again for another worthwhile voyage. Full time work and full time weekends students do not complemented my plan for Islamic journey. I needed to prioritize and focus, and chose these so called “Deen Journey” over labor and learner student. Waiting for a time that when my work is getting well I will need to give up for some reasons that I have to take the “Deen Journey”. Although making decisions to quit for these two things that makes my daily routine so busy was not easy, but I knew that if I finally made it, I will feel a momentary peace and clarity will wash over me and I will tell myself that I did the right thing (In shaa ALLAH)

Dealing with the consequences of my decisions, however, was an entirely different story. For a time I was a total wreck. College and Office was a lot more manageable. I had nobody to rely on but I, it was my choice anyway.

Next weekend’s will be the end of our first prelim exam in second term. Prudently saying, an overflowing confidence and calmness of not studying is what feels me to be positive right now, because I knew it will not be an one hell of a ride for me and not as grueling a I was thinking, regardless that I had already encountered most of the topics years ago at STI. Well then, my nerves sucked all the physical, intellectual and emotional energy I had. Right now I feel dehydrated and badly in need of a “refill” and a tranquil “Deen Journey” seems to be the perfect refuge for my spirit.

The desire of getting away from it all as well as a personal roller-coaster traveling, makes me feel so desperate and looking forward for the moment that I will pack my clothes in my trusty Cose bag pack and head for the victory of traveling.

But for now I still find myself inside this square one writing these fantasies of traveling as I type a note on my bucket list..“Deen Journey, here I come” (In shaa ALLAH).

ZJS

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ZJS.

I was so sure of that pseudonym I am using to someone I long to meet in the right moment of time, by ALLAH’s decree in shaa ALLAH. A pseudonym of someone I knew I will be with someday. I felt like I am having a very ferocious feeling of falling in love to someone I haven’t meet but I knew that someone was existing.  This feeling lead me to imagine myself that if zjs will be around I would feel some quadriplegic (this one was exaggerate, although that is on reality of mine), oh well I always exaggerate my imagination, I come to the point of imagining that we are on a sleigh, a sleigh that goes to a place that is full of felicity. That ZJS will be that someone would help me endure what is difficult and bring me closer to what is distant, and that is JANNAH. This one will be sure enough. Ameen Ya Rabb.

So when this ZJS syndrome started to bring some eminent stout feeling, keeping away from fitna.  It was surprisingly started when me and my “crizi” buddy (I mean my common denominator of imagining things) keep on talking about love thingy. I think it was so normal for us as this age to talk about it anyway. We always find ourselves having a disclosure about our past. Before we came up to Z.J.S, we were dealing with ZY and C.O. It was baffling, right? But sorry, only me and my buddy knows that. Just think that it was just merely part of alphabets for you. But for us, that letters comes with vowels and personas. Seriously, our past is not what you think that we were heartbroken, we were just you know, been hang to some unfinished chats. That is why we always negotiate through countless “what if’s”, “what could’ve been” and “what could bes”, and that’s all about past but we always end our schmooze by saying “lets not bring the past back anymore *lol*”. Maybe it’s the kind of heartache that tests our strength and our character, the kind of that make us think hard about what we really want for ourselves. So much for that, maybe we are just in a state of questioning ourselves of what does it take to forgive? To forget? To finally be okay? It’s the same question we face, young or old. As a year comes to a close and another begins, me and my supportive buddy want to start a new chapter of life, that is to keep away from fitna. (We say, in shaa ALLAH)

As I’ve said to my buddy that “we should not get attached to spur-of-the-moment flings. Fleeting love…”. By uttering that, I have realized that fleeting love is bound to end in heartbreak. Spare your pillow the tears. What is the point of being in a relationship if, in the confusion, you end up losing most important thing: your gorgeous life? Relationships tend to be messy, unless you are sure, don’t gamble, love is as investment with no money-back guarantee. So just love yourself dear.

So that’s when ZJS syndrome started to shine my gorgeous life. I am now protecting my heart, guarding my thoughts. I understand now (in shaa ALLAH) that everything started with the mind and nafs (desire). I pray that I will never be mislead by my emotions. Advising my dearest me, not to get rush for love. Love knows its own time when you keep everything by making du’ah. I should not work things out on my own for ALLAH knows very well where it should be lead me in the right moment. Just wait patiently, it will come. As I remember my mom advised me to be just good in order to be with good.  Alhamdulillah.

Bestie said, “our hearts is reserved”..and I said “to the one who deserves it.”

Allahuma ruzuqni Zawjan Jameelon Saaleh. Ameen Ya Rabb.Ameen

maa

“O you who believe have Imaan! Seek help (from ALLAH) by means of Sabr and Salaah. Verily ALLAH I with those who exercise Sabr”. Surah Baqarah: Verse 153.

 

You remind me with patience.

It is always getting closer to inheriting the patience you left me.

Growing up in such a situation is not an easy as one thinks. The attitude of reminiscing the past always drowns me to something not so good in the end.. We all knew that living away from hometown, close friends and homies (lucky 9 sibs) is not really easy. I grew up with a very happy family ties and that thought is what makes me feel beset, my breath always catches in my throat and my eyes well. And so I brace myself for the the reality that smocks me hard as I step out of my air-conditioned sanctuary, because everyday I will toil faraway land under the sun. The heat! the crowd! the pollution! the stench! the hustle and bustle! the struggles! the responsibilities! THE LIFE!..Ooohh! I am in the thought of “NO PAIN, NO GAIN” *sigh* That’s why I always long for a warm hug from my mom. And that’s brought me sometimes, that I would trick my mind into feeling better by creating fantasies in my head that maybe I was just being tested for I know that this is the second big challenges in my life, the first was when my mom left me with with her patience. (For some bizarre reason, I talked like I was on the verge of tears….)
The way things now is the way my mom always remind me to be patient. I begin to feel that there is something missing. I was always desperate, desperate for some quite time away from the crowd and from everything familiar that had been new. Have you ever felt like running away, but realizing you will be living alone. I want to runaway and got to the place where I could hear the noise of complete siblings throwing banters and a noise of old folks that always give acid laugh on my belly. *miss* … But then my hometown moments melts away in my mind as I try to remember things..no selfhelp books can truly prepare me for the real thing, and this too, I learned the hard way. I always ended up missing my mom, her very own warm hugs. That is because when I was young, when there is a chance to sleep beside her, I always think that when I grew up, I will meet things that are not so clearer and things will always feel me perplex, by that moment I will ask a hug from my mom as she used to hug me when I was a young. Conversely, the problem was, through all of the vague fantasies when I was young, I was not able to see that I failed to let go of that thoughts. Subhannallah.
So this time patience embrace me. *Alhamdulillah*..I only had to be patient (that’s what I am missing) but “sometimes” turned to “always”. Maybe I have to learn to choose my battles, and I know I would lose this one against myself. This could serve as a link between fail and success for the akhira if I don’t learn to be patient. Somehow, I learned that it’s ok to feel a little bit down sometimes, morbid even. But after that, you have to pick yourself up, consciuosly make an effort to find reasons to be happy (because there are always are) and just start living. I seemed so young back then, an idealistic person who taught everything was where it was supposed to be in the world. I was happy and content, and I thought it was enough. I just can’t take such an arguments with my self right now, knowing in my heart that change could taken place long time ago without my mom.
I am learning to be patient like a battle for me to wake up every morning and knowing what to do with my life for the first time today. *Alhamdulillah*. I finally concede that I am both the sniveling kid missing my mom and and the 21 years old who can wonder. Realizing that being here is not an option. I was so sure that I didn’t have to ask for anybody else to assure me, because even they didn’t, I was still so sure. I was so sure that now even I am perplexed why and how it was possible to go from being certain and passionate to now. At this presice moment, I have to considered letting my hometown go as part of growing up and maturity. I know it to myself that there are myriads of reason to be happy but for now there is no strength in this side of me, only mushy feelings and happy memories that in shaa ALLAH we will meet in Jannah, mom. “Be patience and paradise will be yours, in shaa ALLAH” ❤

FYI: I was listening to the nasheeds ..my mother, my mom is amazing and ALLAH knows.. while I was typing these very well unload. Alhamdulillah.