maa

“O you who believe have Imaan! Seek help (from ALLAH) by means of Sabr and Salaah. Verily ALLAH I with those who exercise Sabr”. Surah Baqarah: Verse 153.

 

You remind me with patience.

It is always getting closer to inheriting the patience you left me.

Growing up in such a situation is not an easy as one thinks. The attitude of reminiscing the past always drowns me to something not so good in the end.. We all knew that living away from hometown, close friends and homies (lucky 9 sibs) is not really easy. I grew up with a very happy family ties and that thought is what makes me feel beset, my breath always catches in my throat and my eyes well. And so I brace myself for the the reality that smocks me hard as I step out of my air-conditioned sanctuary, because everyday I will toil faraway land under the sun. The heat! the crowd! the pollution! the stench! the hustle and bustle! the struggles! the responsibilities! THE LIFE!..Ooohh! I am in the thought of “NO PAIN, NO GAIN” *sigh* That’s why I always long for a warm hug from my mom. And that’s brought me sometimes, that I would trick my mind into feeling better by creating fantasies in my head that maybe I was just being tested for I know that this is the second big challenges in my life, the first was when my mom left me with with her patience. (For some bizarre reason, I talked like I was on the verge of tears….)
The way things now is the way my mom always remind me to be patient. I begin to feel that there is something missing. I was always desperate, desperate for some quite time away from the crowd and from everything familiar that had been new. Have you ever felt like running away, but realizing you will be living alone. I want to runaway and got to the place where I could hear the noise of complete siblings throwing banters and a noise of old folks that always give acid laugh on my belly. *miss* … But then my hometown moments melts away in my mind as I try to remember things..no selfhelp books can truly prepare me for the real thing, and this too, I learned the hard way. I always ended up missing my mom, her very own warm hugs. That is because when I was young, when there is a chance to sleep beside her, I always think that when I grew up, I will meet things that are not so clearer and things will always feel me perplex, by that moment I will ask a hug from my mom as she used to hug me when I was a young. Conversely, the problem was, through all of the vague fantasies when I was young, I was not able to see that I failed to let go of that thoughts. Subhannallah.
So this time patience embrace me. *Alhamdulillah*..I only had to be patient (that’s what I am missing) but “sometimes” turned to “always”. Maybe I have to learn to choose my battles, and I know I would lose this one against myself. This could serve as a link between fail and success for the akhira if I don’t learn to be patient. Somehow, I learned that it’s ok to feel a little bit down sometimes, morbid even. But after that, you have to pick yourself up, consciuosly make an effort to find reasons to be happy (because there are always are) and just start living. I seemed so young back then, an idealistic person who taught everything was where it was supposed to be in the world. I was happy and content, and I thought it was enough. I just can’t take such an arguments with my self right now, knowing in my heart that change could taken place long time ago without my mom.
I am learning to be patient like a battle for me to wake up every morning and knowing what to do with my life for the first time today. *Alhamdulillah*. I finally concede that I am both the sniveling kid missing my mom and and the 21 years old who can wonder. Realizing that being here is not an option. I was so sure that I didn’t have to ask for anybody else to assure me, because even they didn’t, I was still so sure. I was so sure that now even I am perplexed why and how it was possible to go from being certain and passionate to now. At this presice moment, I have to considered letting my hometown go as part of growing up and maturity. I know it to myself that there are myriads of reason to be happy but for now there is no strength in this side of me, only mushy feelings and happy memories that in shaa ALLAH we will meet in Jannah, mom. “Be patience and paradise will be yours, in shaa ALLAH” ❤

FYI: I was listening to the nasheeds ..my mother, my mom is amazing and ALLAH knows.. while I was typing these very well unload. Alhamdulillah.

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