“O ALLAH, grant me the ability to continue crying to you till Qiyamaa” Ameen.
I always find myself hugged by my patience.
What I have realized yesterday was just one of the things I really wanted to share but afraid of being misinterpreted. I know, I never run this far but yet I have to stop running.
I am afraid that I will be ungrateful for being blessed. I know I am blessed and grateful for it, really; it just that I am afraid it IS MY NAFS (Self Desire) that feels me wanting for something more. I am afraid that I’m pleasing other than ALLAH Azza wajal. (Astaghfirullah) because I felt like being pressured to my new environment that makes me feel busy and wanting to prove myself that “I am not just like these, I can go far”, But then, I realized that was not so easy. Juggling work, school, Deen schedules, handed task every night with my dad and my responsibility to my younger brother as an Elder sister. It involved physical endurance, time management, perseverance, and a vision. I could not afford to be sick. If I did, five aspect of my life would be affected. I could not afford a single minute wasted and when noticed I wasted a minute, I would really cope up with it. Therefore, the transportation system here at ZenZan sometimes posted a constant challenge to my temper. A late bus meant a missed lunch sometimes, and a missed lunch meant jeopardized health; furthermore, a slow vehicles meant being late for school or work. There was a time I had t to approach my teacher to dismiss me 10 minutes before the appointed time so I could have my prayers also on time. Alhamdulillah for my teachers understood.
This was my life for almost 9months- a student in weekends and an employee in weekdays. I have to wake up early in the morning and help my lil brother fixing his self for school and accompany him till he arrived to his school. My schedules sometime don’t allow me to study for my lessons except during the hourlong bus ride to office, which more often than not used to catch-up on sleep. Sometimes, I dozed off in class but Alhamdulillah my grades are not dozing off. I came to the point that I was so weary, both body and soul, like an overstretched rubber band ready to break. And sad to say I always found myself as weakling shedding my tears. Subhannallah.
Alhamdulillah Just yesterday, after the maaghrib salaat I found myself lying in my mom’s prayer mat.. I was talking to my self like “Ya bint, you want to slow down, you want to rest, you want to breathe. Guess what? You can. Because you deserve it.”
And I felt like my heart was full of contentment. *teary eyed*. Finally, something to call this crisis with no name; Just getting my footing. In shaa ALLAH.
This would be one of my greatest independent decisions in my life. This can be the start of bigger things, whether in this race or far more better for Akhira. It could be potentially heartbreaking, too, but I could possibly have gone this far without a resilient heart and tawwakal Alallah. I have to be brave than even before. Trust ALLAH more than I trust myself. I would be on race for my new vision in life after these all.
Myself replying me with something so obscure yet so familiar, IN SHAA ALLAH.
Just don’t complain my dearest self, be patient. ❤